My Non-Physical, Internal Movements During Pregnancy

We're now going to tune into what was internally happening through my life giving process. 😌

While all these external events were happening, I was going through something that I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER happening while I was pregnant. Thankfully, I had journaled a bit towards the end of my pregnancy, and am able to recall and share, raw, vulnerable experiences I had, in real time as they had occurred.

This particular entry highlights my internal process of pregnancy.

June 3rd, 2020 (6 months pregnant):

“- I feel a calling from a divine spirit, but I don’t wish to answer because of my own feelings of disconnectivity. I feel very apart from whom I previously identified as: 'spiritual.'

I feel very blasé and physically based. I clean my house, cook elegant nutritious meals, drink water, eat healthy snacks and stretch, maybe a walk. All of what I seem to be doing is all for baby. The only thing I define as 'doing something for myself' is keeping up with my personal hygiene and this here journaling.

I’m very sure I’m going through a sense of trauma right now…

When someone interacts with me, I’m very unsure of how to answer. I feel awkward. I don’t know what response someone wants. I frankly have not been saying much these past few days, and when I do speak, I note that I’m just speaking the response that I KNOW the other person WANTS to hear.

Except for Rashid (my partner). Yet, I also feel like he doesn’t really talk talk to me anymore. Because he knows that I’m currently incapable of listening. It makes me sad, but I also understand. I wouldn't want to have conversation with someone where I know they aren't actually listening.

I really feel like I’m just floating in my own little world. My mind, suspended - not in dreamy clouds - but a purgatory that it wishes to break free from.”

Reflecting back, I am so grateful that I allowed myself the space to be how I was in that (now past) present moment, and document myself. No censoring, just complete vulnerability. That is the exact process of the prenatal and postpartum experience. A whole lot of vulnerability. This vulnerability is SO transformative.

There was a version of myself that I had always known. The Angel that was super social. The Gemini with her head in the clouds, a lot of talkative, extroverted optimism.

The Angel that has always felt so connected to great spirit, to the wind, to the Earth, the moon, the stars, and beyond.

While pregnant, I felt NONE of those things, a COMPLETE disconnect.

My experience was confined to SOLEY to within my body's senses, focusing all of my energy into making this life.

My ego, my concept of my identity, it changed.

I was no longer this party lover, this community builder, a moon loving, spontaneous, impulsive woman.

I was only a pregnant mother.

Where all of my actions were structured and thought out for this new life's best benefit.

I felt limited.

I felt so physical-based, which being grounded, has always been something I have to work on being.

To be honest, I looked at the physical as lower.

I focused all of my energy on connecting with psychic, etheric energies.

I did not bring myself any balance.

I did not take the best care of my physical vessel.

I was not physically active(except if there was a party) or an occasional yoga session.

After giving birth, I realized, that all of the areas that I needed to work on, came naturally, through being pregnant.

I became more structured. I incorporated healthier habits for my physical vessel. I started doing daily prental yoga. I took my vitamins ritualistically. I drank water every hour. I ate a very balanced diet, and I ATE MORE THAN ONE MEAL AND SOME SNACKS A DAY.

I DID NOT REALIZE THAT I ONLY ATE ONE MEAL A DAY until it was recommended to me to eat every two hours for baby.

I had spent so much time trying to access "higher realms," but had not successfully grounded myself here on Earth until my little Virgo came into my life to help me.

The primal side of our being is JUST AS valid, liberating, and SPIRITUAL as our crown.

As above, so below.

When giving birth, I phased everything out.

It was not a choice.

I tuned in completely to the contortions of my body to release NEW LIFE into this world. My hair was absolutely everywhere. I did not speak at all. Incredible amounts of sweat covered my body. Yelping and moaning. I was a wild woman.

(I thank the doctors and nurses for honoring my birth plan! Because I would have NOT been able to speak out)

All in all, another lesson learned through pregnancy for me, is that I now see and honor my animalistic side. I value taking care of my physical vessel. Not just for my baby now, but for me.

I hadn't incorportaed such high levels of self care before. And now, both me and my baby, are doing amazing.

Thank you again, for choosing to tune into the lessons that I've learned. Bless you. 🙏🏼